Impacts Of COVID Web Series: Personal Connections, December 3rd 2020
/Our final Impacts of COVID Webinar on Personal Connections began with excitement over our togetherness and anticipation over renewing connections. Joanna started the night off by reiterating some ground rules, celebrating the successes of the webinar series thus far (Impacts of COVID) (Community Connections), and introducing Susannah Joyce, the founder of Realizations and our speaker for the night.
Susannah is deeply involved in the Ontario Independent Facilitation Network (OIFN) and has a long history as a dedicated volunteer in facilitation services. The group introduced themselves to each other, mentioning their roles and what they were bringing to the space in the evening. Many people identified themselves as “friends” and were looking forward to Susannah’s expertise on building and maintaining personal connections. Susannah invited us all to view the night as an opportunity to build our skills and learn.
We began with a discussion on time, and how many demands we are all finding on our time during the pandemic. Susannah noted how difficult it is to find balance and connect when connection is digitally mediated and when that medium (like Zoom!) can also be quite draining. She began her presentation with some quotes about belonging and energy between people. Susannah affirmed that our need for connection and belonging is as important as any other need we have.
She invited us to think about some questions as a method to strengthen our friendships by being intentional about our relationships, and having conversations about them. She invited us to use our passions and our gifts (which are natural avenues that bring us to connection) to explore and deepen our relationships.
Connections are deeply individual, and there are many ways to feel close and connected to others. Similarly, there are many different kinds of people we can choose to deepen our relationships with. The variety is part of the fun! Susannah told us, “There is no right or wrong, there is just what feels comfortable to you.” We were invited to think about what does feel comfortable to us, and how we prefer our friendships to work and what kinds of friendships we have. In addition, we were invited to consider how our friends like their friendships with us to work, and what they need or have time for in their lives. Susannah invited us all to ask our friends “Has what they need changed since we have been distancing,” and to make an explicit space to talk about the changes COVID has given to us all.
She encouraged us that in thinking about strategies for building new traditions with our friends during this time, we can be mindful about what we can give to people we have relationships with, and also what we want to get in return. Some days we might have nothing to give, and that’s okay too. A good place to start in figuring out what we might want and how to go about strengthening our relationships is to think about when we have time and energy, and when the people we want to connect with do as well. She emphasized the important of reaching out to our connections, because we often assume people are doing okay, but it can be a really powerful action to reach out and check in on others, and usually it doesn’t take too much energy.
The group had a bit of a discussion about the kinds of friendships we have, strategies for managing friendships that might be more difficult during COVID, such as friendships with people who are really busy, or friendships that are more based on shared activities in the physical world. After some discussion it emerged that it can be really great to just check in with people, while explicitly stating that we don’t need a response, and that we are just sending that love or connection or care into the universe. We came to the realization that building our skills during COVID and keeping our hearts open because of the pandemic can be a good thing to carry us through and continue on later. We noted the need to balance intentionality with authenticity, but thought that perhaps we could intentionally keep some of the authentic feelings and need to connect that we have right now.
After our conversation, Susannah discussed the nature of conversations and how we can have them, and how they might involve different elements, like sharing stories. Susannah shared some strategies on having meaningful conversations by asking questions, in particular open ended questions, and being comfortable with pauses and really digesting what we hear and waiting a few seconds before responding. Listening was highlighted, and in particular listening with the whole body, and recognizing the beneficial effect that being present and listening to someone can have on them. As we listen to them, we can be carefully curious about them, ensuring that we are authentic in wanting to know more. In discussing, we found too that others feel listened to in different ways, and people may enjoy communicating in different ways. We can find it harder to be curious and listen sometimes when we are tired, and that’s okay too! Susannah reminded us that we are always busy, and always have been busy, even before and after COVID, but its okay to just try a little when we do have the ability to ask questions.
Joanna recommended a TED Talk on “10 Ways to Have a Better Conversation” and recognizing the expertise of the people we talk with. We discussed how it can be harder to listen and show that we’re listening online, but Susannah affirmed that authenticity really shines through no matter what, especially when we are open to our curiosity leading us down a variety of paths.
Even during the pandemic we have a myriad of choices on how to connect with others. We can connect by phone, Zoom, a variety of social media platforms and messaging apps. We can try to safely gather outside, and still participate in virtual activities alongside each other. We might struggle with generational divides, or divides with our existing social circles, and we have to be mindful that there is a learning curve to everything and we can try to meet people where they are. Susannah recommended a movie “Cyber-Seniors,” (link) which was on learning different digital strategies, and demonstrates that we can learn different communication methods.
We ended with a great message about community from Starhawk
Community Means Strength
By Starhawk
We are all longing to go home to some place
we have never been—a place half-remembered and half-envisioned
we can only catch glimpses of from time to time.
Community.
Somewhere, there are people to whom we can speak with passion
without having the words catch in our throats.
Somewhere a circle of hands
will open to receive us, eyes will light up as we enter,
voices will celebrate with us whenever we come into our own power.
Community means strength
that joins our strength to do the work that needs to be done.
Arms to hold us when we falter.
A circle of healing.
A circle of friends.
Someplace where we can be free.
from Dreaming the Dark: Magic, Sex, and Politics (Beacon Press)
Susannah’s Resources from Realizations
Susannah has graciously provided us with some of the resources from her presentation, some of which are part of her training resources from Realizations.
Strengthening Our Personal Connections
During Covid
With
Susannah Joyce
Realizations Training & Resources *
“Belonging is an intrinsic need for all humanity. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong. When those needs are not met, we don’t function as we were meant to”.
Brené Brown
During these times when responsibilities can feel overwhelming, it can be challenging to find time and energy to stay in touch with people we care about. There is no best way to make sure we are maintaining connections. Some options include:
• Casual, Quick Touching Base
• Catching Up on What You and Another Have Been Doing
• Deeper Conversation
• Doing Something Together
• Just Being in the Same Space
We also need to consider the different kinds of relationships we have, and what might be needed to sustain each:
Partner… Children … Family … Pets. … Friends … Colleagues … Neighbours … Groups… Acquaintances … Professionals…
Another consideration is knowing our own particular approach to friendships and that of others in our life:
· Are we more comfortable with a few close relationships or do we enjoy a wider variety of people in our circle?
· Do we tend to reach out to others or wait till they are in touch with us?
· Do we prefer fairly regular contact or are less frequent interactions enough?
· What do we know about these characteristics in others we are close to?
Who do we tend to turn to for various needs and which of these are we able to offer to others, knowing we all have times when we are able to give more?
Comfort Empathy Ideas Encouragement
Fun Information Validation Moral Support
Unconditional Love and Acceptance
We also need to consider what claims we have on our time and energy and what do we know about those claims on others in our life?
But it’s not just about time and frequency of connection. It is also about the quality of our interactions Below are some thoughts on having meaningful conversations:
· What would you like to know more about someone in your life? Do you actually want to know more about them? Ask new questions or follow-up questions.
· Ask open ended questions … What was it like? … When did you… ? How did you …?
· Its less about what happens to people than how they experienced something…. not just recitation of events …. seeing it from wider perspectives.
· Don’t fear pauses … most of us stop listening to a comment half way through so we can be ready with a response … its ok to wait a few seconds before replying
· Rev. Margaret Guenther said good conversationalists are like midwives helping the other person give birth to what they want to say.
David Brooks, NY Times
We can also use this time to strengthen our skills in listening and in becoming more genuinely curious about learning more about each other.
Thoughts on Listening and Being Curious
“ Humans need to be heard before they can listen.” Amanda Ripley
“I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious.” Albert Einstein
“I wonder how many people I’ve looked at all my life and never seen.” John Steinbeck
Be curious, not judgmental.” Walt Whitman
“Listening is being able to be changed by the other person.” Alan Alda
Using different ways to connect long distance, at different times and for different people, can helps us stay in touch, even briefly!
Email Phone Facetime Text
Facebook Messenger What’s APP Twitter
Instagram Snapchat Zoom Tik Tok
“We are all longing to go home to some place we have never been---a place half remembered, and half envisioned, we can only catch glimpses of from time to time. Community. Somewhere there are people to whom we can speak with passion without having the words catch in our throats. Somewhere a circle of hands will open to receive us, eyes will light up as we enter, voices will celebrate with us whenever we come into our own power. Community means strength that joins our strength to do the work that needs to be done. Arms to hold us when we falter. A circle of healing. A circle of friends. Someplace where we can be free.”
Starhawk, Dreaming the Dark
* Content other than Quotes is material from workshops and writings of Realizations Training & Resources